There was a scent of antiseptic in the air, and she wondered what it might taste like. Perhaps it would be a little bitter. Would it taste like Lifebuoy soap if it got in her mouth while showering, or like the remnants of a household cleaner lingering after not cleaning the dishes well enough? Walking down the hallway, she noticed a flickering bulb casting a bright, white light. The sounds and beeps of the heart monitor in the corridor somehow calmed her.

Aadharshini hated her job. She was a gynecologist responsible for ensuring safer childbirth experiences, but every day, she witnessed the painful reality of women dying simply because families often did not prioritize women's health. Occasionally, visitors from Bombay would come to Ispat General Hospital (IGH) to teach techniques like cesarean sections, hysterectomies, and laparotomies.

Aadharshini entered her office, where a woman and her husband waited. The husband wanted his wife to undergo a tubal ligation—essentially having her tubes tied—because they already had three children and could not afford more. While many doctors adhered to Gandhi's philosophy that self-control was the best method of contraception, Aadharshini disagreed with that approach, nor did she want to perform a tubal ligation. Instead, she suggested an IUD as an alternative.

She had learned about IUDs as a method of birth control from her friend, Anneliese Meier, a librarian at the Max Mueller Bhavan. Although she knew that IUDs were available in IGH, they were stored in a cabinet, and for some reason, no one wanted to use them. Instead, people recommended tubal ligation or the rhythm method as the best forms of birth control, apart from self-control. Anneliese showed her books on gynecology from Bombay, which contained extensive research on IUDs and instructions on how to perform the procedure. Anneliese's husband was a technician who trained engineers in Rourkela, and the two women had become friends as Aadharshini often visited the library to study more current methods of medicine.

“Dayaakari mote gotie minut dia,” which translates to “give me a minute, please”, Aadharshini told her patient and her husband as she rushed to the bathroom. Moments later, she threw up. Suddenly, she remembered that she had experienced spotting recently. She quickly realized that this spotting might not merely signal the arrival of her period but rather indicate that she might be pregnant. After tending to her patient, she called a nurse to perform an ultrasound on herself. The results confirmed her suspicion: she was indeed pregnant. Despite her situation, Aadharshini's dedication to her patient never wavered.

Feeling uncertain about wanting another child, she left work early that day. While she was dazed and confused, her heart was racing and pounding in her chest. Once home, she sat on the bathroom floor with her knees curled up. She wasn't sure if she was ready for this change. There she remained for an hour, then another until she finally felt prepared to confront her feelings.

The sun was bright, and you could hear the birds chirp. The hot summer wind caused the leaves of the tree to fall. Siya sipped cold Rooh Afza with milk while the two brothers played in the water tank. They had a water tank in their bungalow-style home, where the kids often swam in. The backyard was huge, with mango and lychee trees. Siya called her nanny Brunda Didi, which means Brunda Sister. Brunda would carry her and help her pick out lychees. Siya's Ma (Mother), Aadharshini, was a mother of four. Siya was the only girl among the three boys.

After having Rooh Afza, she joined her two little brothers in the water tank. Raju, the second-youngest sibling, threw the ball so hard that it hit Biji's face. Biji started crying, and Raju started being defensive, saying, “Mun taku bal sahita ete jorare maari nathili,” meaning I didn't even hit him that hard with the ball. Siya intervened and consoled Biji. She wiped the tear off his face and called out to the oldest one, Munna, to bring ointment to put on his face so that the bruise would hurt less. Siya then scolded Raju and told him to play more gently. Suddenly, while scolding, Siya's abdomen started cramping. She tried to ignore it, but eventually, she noticed some blood leaking through her shorts. The moment she saw, Biji also noticed, and that's when he began screaming, and Raju and Munna got scared, too. Siya got out of the tank and ran to the bathroom. Halfway through chopping her vegetables, Brunda noticed and bolted after her. Siya was sobbing in her bathroom because she was experiencing her first period, a significant personal milestone, and didn't know what to do. Her body was cramping, and she had no idea what a period was. Brunda realized what was happening to Siya. There was some cloth in the house that she cut and gave to Siya so she could use it like a pad.

Siya eventually calmed down, even though she had no idea what was happening to her. That evening, she waited until Aadharshini was back, but fell asleep because Aadharshini had an emergency shift late at night. Brunda told Aadharshini, after she was back, that Siya got her period, so Aadharshini wrote Siya a letter. Then, because she had signed up for an event with Anneliese at the Indo-German Club, she got ready and went for it.

When Siya woke up in the morning, she hoped to see her mother, but she was already gone. Siya had a lump in her throat, and her eyes teared up. Munna noticed this and comforted her immediately, showing the strong bond between the siblings. After some time, she walked over from Sector 19 to Sector 20 to her best friend's house, Reena.

She rang the doorbell, and Reena opened the door, and Siya burst into tears. Reena's Ma, Subhalaxmi, saw that happen and then asked Siya what was wrong. After Siya explained that she had been bleeding consistently since yesterday, Subhalaxmi explained to her what periods were. Reena, Subhalaxmi, and Siya picked up pads at the nearest pharmacy. Siya felt some relief. They later went to their favorite sweet shop, which sold her favorite dessert, Rasgulla, but she liked this one specifically because it was orange in color.

Siya noticed that Subhalaxmi didn’t wear jeans like Aadharshini. Subhalaxmi had a saree from Sambalpur. The saree was red, and as Subhalaxmi moved her hand, she noticed her bangles, and by the bangles, she saw a peacock on her saree. Siya then quickly realized how Aadharshini and Subhalaxmi were very different. Subhalaxmi taught at the school and picked Reena up on her way home, but Siya always went home alone in the Rickshaw. She longed for Aadharshini to spend as much time as Subhalaxmi spent with Reena, but she realized while eating her second Rasgulla that this wouldn’t happen.

She swore that she would never wear jeans at that moment.

Siya studied general science during her bachelor's degree studies. But she wasn't interested in the sciences at all. Aadharshini and her husband wanted Siya to study science because studying science leads to a more prosperous life. Every night, Siya stayed up to read books in English. Unlike her brothers, Siya attended an Oriya medium school, and English was her second language. But she liked the language and the literature that the language offered. She thought it made her understand the world's social and political aspects. The day she graduated from college, she had to pick up her mark sheets, and that day, she told her parents that she wanted to study English for her master's and grow up to become a teacher.

Aadharshini wasn't happy with that, and neither was her husband. So for the next week, no one in the family talked to each other. Aadharshini and Siya did not see eye to eye. Aadharshini realized quickly that Siya was quite the opposite of her. Siya dressed more conservatively and didn't even like taking a sip of alcohol. At the same time, Aadharshini would drink with her husband almost every night. Aadharshini loved her daughter dearly. However, she knew she didn't have enough time to spend with her because she had a bigger duty to serve as a doctor. Siya and Munna stepped into being parents to Biji and Raju whenever Aadharshini and her husband weren’t home.

After Siya's master's, Aadharshini and her husband got Siya married within three months. Siya's husband, Satya, was just starting as an entry-level mechanical engineer at the Steel Plant. Satya's mom passed away when he was thirteen, and he grew up with twelve other siblings. Satya was one of the youngest in the family, but he, like Siya, quickly understood how to grow up.

Soon after marrying, Siya got pregnant in a year. Unlike her parents, Siya had no domestic workers helping her around. She had to go through her pregnancy all by herself.

Aadharshini was in the hospital after Siya gave birth, but left right after. Siya didn't know how to hold her baby, let alone take care of it. Siya and Satya named her Mayura after a peacock. Satya couldn't afford a refrigerator at this point, but he worked to make ends meet. Siya temporarily stopped teaching at the school because of her pregnancy.

Siya got multiple stitches after her pregnancy. She knew that through the pain and the soreness after her pregnancy, she didn't have any help from her mother or her mother-in-law, and had to take care of the baby. When she went to the bathroom to pee, it stung, but through that, she smiled because she knew that this was the start of a new life, where she finally had a family.

Reena came over to see Mayura and got Siya's favorite Rasgulla when she visited their place. Reena had moved to Hyderabad like most other people in Steel City. Subhalaxmi passed away from cancer, and up until then, Reena and her husband were taking care of her. Subhalaxmi had left one of her Sambalpuri sarees to give to Mayura when she grew older. When Siya saw the saree, she teared up. Reena carried Mayura and walked with Siya around Sector 20, where they went to get Rasgullas before Reena left for Hyderabad. Siya came home with Mayura and listened to the 901.1 Radio Station.

Raju called Siya, his voice quavering as he told her that Ma had passed away. Aadharshini moved to Hyderabad to live with Raju after her health deteriorated. Satya retired from the Steel Plant, and Mayura moved to Mumbai, so Siya and Satya moved to Bhubaneswar. Siya just held the phone and did not say a word. Siya was sixty herself, and Aadharshini passed away at eighty-six. 

Siya knew that the death of a parent changes you, but for her, it felt unfinished. She felt the lump in her throat again, and now, she will never be able to resolve her issues with her. She didn't like Aadharshini, but now she has grief, which she doesn't know will go anywhere.

Siya flew to Hyderabad with Satya. The ceremony was going to be a Hindu cremation. After she reached the cemetery, she embraced her brothers. They all were upset, but none of them shed a tear.

Siya and her brothers' wives were responsible for washing Aadharshini's body and getting her dressed in white. She looked at her pale mother, her eyes shut. She saw her mom's lips pursed. She held her hand to put bangles on it and sat there for the next hour, just holding her hand. As Siya held her mother's hand, she could feel the coolness of her skin against her own. Siya tried to remember the times when she felt happy with her mother, but even as hard as she tried, she couldn't remember happy memories because they were clouded by how much she hurt her. The lump in her throat felt even more like someone wrapping around her like a suffocating blanket.

She remembered the day Aadharshini wrote her the letter. She realized that she had never opened it. The letter was next to her when she woke up the next day, but she didn't open it. Siya thought back to how angry she was that she hadn't opened the letter.

She looked at her mother again and realized that this was the last time she'd seen her and that after this, she'd only have her ashes. She felt an ache that she didn't know how to resolve. She loved her mother but realized she didn't like or know her.

The atmosphere was thick with unspoken words and unfinished stories. Even as everyone stood together, an underlying sense of isolation lingered. All her brothers carried Aadharshini to the last ceremony, where the cremation took place. Siya saw her mother being held and taken. Only men used to be allowed in the ceremony, but Aadharshini told her she wanted Siya and her daughters-in-law to be there.

Siya was in the back of the crowd. Anneliese, who was ninety, stood beside her and stood by her. She held Siya's hand and walked with her to the ceremony. 

Anneliese said, “I know she wasn't the best and that the pain will always sting. Grieve the way that you want or need to. Nobody can tell you how to do it. And if you don't grieve, that's alright, too. I want you to know that you're not a bad person if you choose not to grieve at all.” Hearing these words, Siya shed a tear. 

Siya realized that no one would understand her. She wanted to send Aadharshini a positive message, but she knew that was wrong because their relationship wasn't entirely positive.

She kept thinking about the letter, which she had never opened. She wondered whether it had the closure she wanted, but she would never know now. She asked Anneliese, “Ma wrote me a letter after the day I got my period. Do you know anything about it?” Anneliese said that Aadharshini told her that night about what happened, but she didn't know what was in the letter.

Siya knew that there was something unfinished in her story with her mother and that she would never resolve what went wrong with her, but with the flames, she decided to let her go. She needed to keep moving forward. She wrote Aadharshini a letter and slipped it into the fire. She knew Aadharshini would never read it, but she must let her go in peace. Siya felt a weight in her chest as each heartbeat was a reminder of her unresolved feelings. Each heartbeat echoed life's fragility and the remaining bonds, even when severed.